• Jessica McDonald

Grief and Life

Updated: Apr 12, 2020

Why play this waiting game of life? Are we all waiting to die? A freak accident could come at any time in any way and it’s scarily common. Why aren’t we saying the things we want to say or doing the things we want to do. Death leaves us all shocked and so many of us left behind. So many are left to mourn and cry. How does anyone grieve, how do you lose a brother and move on? A cousin, a friend, a son, a father. It can end at any moment.

Why do we mourn and why do we all mourn differently? Why does dad mourn through hiding his feelings and suppressing his emotions? Why does she mourn by keeping herself closed off and silently crying behind closed doors? Why do I mourn by crying and talking and thinking and writing? Why do we mourn? Why do we live? And why do we die?

Why are there so many questions and reasons to ask why?

There’s nothing ever gradual about death, it’s sudden and tragic and incomprehensible. I was thinking if we knew, or if it was slow, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much or maybe it would be easier to process. But even if someone gets sick and it gradually gets worse, there’s still a sudden moment that shifts from being here to being gone. And that’s something none of us can change.

I don’t realize how much one person can affect so many until their gone. How much of an impact one person can have on my life, and it takes for them to leave for me to know. I still listen to the song Keep Breathing that Mr. Aikins played while we laid on the floor of the dance studio. It took for him to go, for me to know, how much it meant for him to play one song, and to just tell us to lay on the floor and close our eyes. He created a space of serenity I didn’t know was there.

I keep replaying Warren’s hello to me in my head. His voice rings and I can hear him saying “Hey Jessie, how are ya?” And I try and wrap my head around how I won’t ever hear that again. Sometimes that makes me cry, sometimes it makes me frozen, and sometimes it makes me so grateful that I ever even got to hear that hello in the first place.

What happens after we go? I refuse to believe we just disappear and decompose. From the looks of what we know that’s all there is. But there’s more. I look for them in the sunsets, in the trees and in the butterflies. Having them here one second and gone the next is hard enough to process, but thinking that’s it, they die and that’s all there is, it doesn’t work for me. They have a soul and they leave so many to grieve I believe they can see it. He’s laughing down at us now because Warren really was the legend he would say he is.

When they go they aren’t just soil, their the world, their everything and everywhere. No matter what you believe I think this thought can bring you some peace, because how else can we go on when someone so close is now gone.

How can these people just be gone? Gone without a single warning or notice. And how does one go on without them. But the answer is we do and we try, and that is just how it is. Because life doesn’t make sense and there’s so many why’s that we will probably never get answered. But what these moments teach me, is to be grateful, to be me, to love and be unapologetic about it. To take risks, to laugh, cry, not sweat the small things and to live and feel in every feeling and moment you have. Because right now is all you got.

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