• Jessica McDonald

A Wake Up to Reality (2)

Updated: Apr 12, 2020

January 25, 2020

I feel like my life is a whirlwind right now and I can’t quite grasp it. I can’t grasp I’ll be okay or if dad will be okay or if the world will stay afloat or if it’ll die forever. I can’t quite comprehend what I want or need or feel. I don’t know where to go or how to be alone or how to breath properly. How to allow myself to let go of my control. Or if I should reach for it harder and further.

I can’t understand if everything is overwhelming or overbearing. I’m on the subway for so many hours but the hours pass so quickly yet they won’t right now. They stay still in the hours I want to fleet. My day seems crazy. I can’t go home to peace or serenity. I have to stay on this moving train. But the days you anticipate to be the craziest are the days that are the calmest. Because you accept them. You let yourself go and live them. The days that seem empty of plans are the days that aren’t bearable. There the days that make me question my purpose of why I’m here. Those are the days I want to go away. I want to be busy. To not have to think, to focus on what my professor is telling me and not what my mind is telling me.

I walk everyday terrified of not being with my family but terrified of being with them. Scared to see dad cry but more scared to see him not. It hurts to be away but hurts more to be there. I want to forget it all but want to remember every second all the time. Nothing makes sense and I have this overbearing guilt that I have to keep thinking about it because the rest of my family can’t forget. The rest of them don’t have the luxury of a second home to go to a second form of a family. They don’t have a place where they can go and take their mind to. To loose the images so stuck in their brains that won’t go away.

I'm afraid nothing will help and nothing will change anything. I’m afraid my heads gonna explode and I’ll never be able to breath again. I’m afraid I can’t grasp a hold of anything. Life is leading me right now, life is controlling me right now. My feelings are controlling me. Should my feelings always be or never be? I don’t know and I don’t know if I ever will know. I want so many things but when I have them I don’t want them anymore. I keep picturing mom and dad at home still dwelling over the horrors of Sunday. Dad wants to be a fly on the wall and see what happened and so do I. I was the one not there but he was the one not mentally there. I can’t picture it and I keep trying to but I’ll never ever see it like they do. And for that I feel guilt I don’t know if I’ll ever relieve. But I need to forgive myself for not being there. I wasn’t supposed to I was at my other home and you can’t be at both. I’m living a life between places.

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